It’s common for family members or close friends to wonder whether they should speak at a funeral - perhaps to share a eulogy, read a poem or say a few personal words.
It can be a deeply meaningful way to honour someone you love, but it can also feel daunting. Many people worry about becoming too emotional, forgetting their words, or simply not being able to continue once they begin. If you’re feeling that uncertainty, I can promise you that you’re not alone - and it’s perfectly normal.
The truth is, there’s no right or wrong answer. Speaking at a funeral isn’t a test of strength or love; it’s simply one of many ways to take part in saying goodbye. Here are a few of my thoughts that might help you decide what feels right for you.
It’s about meaning, not performance
A eulogy or reading isn’t about perfect delivery; it’s about sincerity. If you choose to speak, know that everyone present will be on your side. People understand that emotion is part of grief - a pause, a shaky voice, or a tearful moment doesn’t take away from what you’re saying; it often makes it more powerful.
You can share the moment
If you’d like to take part but feel unsure about managing the whole piece, there are several ways to share the role. Someone else (a family member or friend) can stand beside you for reassurance, or you can ask me to be ready to take over partway through if it becomes too much. Sometimes two people alternate reading paragraphs, or one person reads a short introduction before handing over to another. These small adjustments can make a big difference.
You can still have your words included, even if you don’t read them yourself
Some people decide that writing their words is enough. You might choose to have me read them on your behalf – or perhaps another family member, or a friend could do so. The meaning is still yours - your love and memories are still heard - even if the voice speaking them isn’t your own.
Take your time
There’s no pressure to decide immediately. As the ceremony takes shape, you’ll get a better sense of what feels right. Whether you speak or listen, you’re still part of something deeply meaningful.
Remember that emotion is not failure
Many people fear “breaking down” while speaking, but tears are simply part of being human. No one expects composure at all times - in fact, allowing emotion to show can help others feel permission to feel their own.
Whether you choose to speak, write, or simply sit quietly among those gathered, your presence itself carries meaning. The love you feel doesn’t depend on words spoken aloud; it’s already there, held in the shared act of remembering. If you’re unsure, it can help to talk it through with me. Together, we can find a way for your voice - spoken or written - to be included in a way that feels natural and kind to you.