Most of the time, funerals bring people together - but they can also stir up old tensions, differences of opinion and emotions that have been waiting just below the surface for years.
When someone dies, everyone grieves in their own way: some want to talk while others go quiet, some need to plan and organise while others find even small decisions overwhelming. When those different styles collide, it can create friction at a time when everyone is already vulnerable.
If you’re feeling anxious about how family dynamics might affect the funeral arrangements, you’re certainly not alone. It’s one of the most common worries I hear from families.
Remember: everyone’s grief looks different
There’s no single “right” way to grieve. One person might throw themselves into planning every detail, while another can’t face the conversation yet. It helps to recognise that both responses come from the same place - love and loss, simply expressed in different ways. If emotions start to rise, it can sometimes help to pause and ask what’s underneath the disagreement. Often, it’s not really about the flowers or the music, but about who feels seen, heard, or left out.
Keep the focus on the person being honoured
When conversations become difficult, gently bringing the focus back to the person who has died can help. Ask, “What would they have wanted?” or “What feels most like them?”. These questions can reset the tone and remind everyone of the shared purpose, which is to create a ceremony that feels true to that life. As a celebrant, I sometimes help families navigate these moments by listening to each voice and finding the common thread. It’s surprising how often a sense of togetherness emerges once people feel heard.
Small compromises can carry great kindness
A ceremony doesn’t have to satisfy every wish to be meaningful. Sometimes a small gesture - a chosen song, a mention in the tribute, or a shared reading - is enough to make someone feel included. A spirit of compromise can quietly transform tension into collaboration. You don’t have to manage it all alone If you’re the main organiser, the pressure can feel heavy - especially if you’re trying to keep the peace as well as plan the ceremony. This is where I can help as your celebrant. Having someone neutral to listen, guide and hold the process can ease that burden, and it allows you to focus on remembering your loved one, rather than managing emotions.
A ceremony can be healing (even after disagreement)
Families are rarely without complexity. But when handled with honesty and care, a funeral can actually bring moments of reconciliation; I’ve noticed that there’s something about standing together, even in silence, that reminds people of what connects them more than what divides them.
Tension may be part of the story, but it doesn’t have to define the day. With calm guidance and shared intention, a ceremony can still feel peaceful, respectful and deeply human.