It’s not uncommon for families to pause when planning a funeral and ask, “Should we include something religious or spiritual?” - especially when the person who died wasn’t religious themselves. I’ve certainly known family members that have found comfort in a familiar prayer or hymn, even if the person being remembered might not have chosen those things for themselves.
It can feel like a dilemma: how do you balance respect for the person’s beliefs with the needs of those who are grieving? Honestly, there isn’t one neat, right answer – I can only recommend that people do what feels authentic and kind for everyone involved.
Begin with the person’s story
A good starting point is to think about how the person lived and what mattered to them. Did they express clear feelings about faith or spirituality? Were they open to moments of reflection, even if not religious? Sometimes, the essence of a person’s outlook can guide the tone of the ceremony without needing to make firm lines between “religious” or “not religious”. A reading about compassion or kindness, for instance, can feel spiritual in a universal way - without belonging to a specific faith tradition.
Acknowledge the family’s needs too
Funerals are for the living as much as they are about the person who has died. If a prayer, hymn, or quiet moment of blessing would bring comfort to the family, it can often be included thoughtfully, as part of the collective goodbye, while still keeping the overall ceremony true to the person’s life and values.
Sometimes that means introducing such moments with gentle context, for example:
“While [Name] wasn’t a religious person, these words have long brought comfort to their family.”
That simple acknowledgment honours both realities with honesty and respect.
Let the tone do the balancing
A ceremony doesn’t have to fit neatly into one category. It can include words, music, or silence that reflect the human need for connection and meaning - without feeling overtly religious. Tone matters more than labels.
As a celebrant, my role is to help find that balance: shaping a ceremony that reflects the person who has died, while giving those who mourn the space they need to grieve and find comfort. A meaningful ceremony doesn’t have to take sides. It can hold both the truth of how someone lived and the tender needs of those saying goodbye - honouring the person and gently supporting those left behind.