When someone dies, one of the first questions many parents face is whether their child should attend the funeral. It’s a deeply personal decision, shaped by the child’s age, their relationship with the person who has died and the values within the family. There’s no universal rule that works for every child or every situation, because you know your child better than anyone, and your insight is one of the most important guides you have.
I’ve found myself on both sides of this decision. When my mum died in 2019, my son was seven and at that time it felt right for him not to come. Years later, when my mother-in-law died, he was thirteen - we talked about it together and he chose to attend. It was the right choice for him at that point in his life and it reminded me how much children grow in their ability to understand, cope and express themselves.
As a celebrant, I now meet many families who quietly ask the same question. Here are some gentle considerations that can help you work out what feels right for your family.
Questions that may help you decide
How old is your child, and how do they tend to cope with strong emotions? Every child sits somewhere on their own spectrum of sensitivity and resilience. Age can be a factor, but temperament often matters more.
How close were they to the person who has died? Children might want to say goodbye, or they may prefer to remember the person in everyday moments at home.
What do they already understand about death? Funerals can sometimes be a child’s first experience of loss. Thinking about what they already know can help you prepare them gently for what to expect.
What will the ceremony be like? Some funerals are quiet and reflective, others larger or more emotionally intense. You can consider whether the tone of the day is likely to feel manageable for your child.
What practical support will they have on the day? If you are closely involved in the ceremony, it can help to nominate a trusted adult who will focus on your child’s needs throughout.
What does your child say when you talk to them about it? If they are old enough, asking them directly can be the best way forward. Many children appreciate being included in the decision.
There’s one other consideration that came up when discussing all of this with my son. Funerals have a very physical element to them and for many children the sight of a coffin can be a moment that makes death feel far more real. Most children already have an idea of what a coffin means because cartoons, films and even storybooks often include them in simplified form. I was conscious that - for my son - seeing one in person would shift death from something abstract to something concrete for him. I didn’t think that it would necessarily be harmful, but I appreciated that it was likely to be powerful, and therefore it was worth thinking about how he might react. A simple, honest explanation beforehand helped him feel prepared rather than taken by surprise.
Preparing children if they do attend
If you feel it’s right for your child to come, a little preparation can go a long way.
Children often cope better than we expect when they understand what’s happening around them.
If you decide it’s better for them not to attend
You might choose to keep your child at home or plan something separate for them. This is just as valid. Parents sometimes create a gentle ritual afterwards, such as lighting a candle, looking at photographs together or writing a message to the person who has died. These small acts can offer the same sense of connection and meaning.
A helpful book for children
One book that I highly recommend - and that many families find supportive - is “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst. It offers a simple and reassuring way for children to think about love and connection, especially when someone they care about has died.
If you prefer a more direct explanation of funerals for younger children, “I Miss You: A First Look at Death” by Pat Thomas is clear, gentle and age-appropriate.
Above all: trust yourself
There’s no correct answer, only the choice that feels right for you and your child at this moment. You know their personality, their needs and their limits. Trust that insight. A child’s wellbeing is shaped far more by the care and honesty around them than by whether they are physically present at a funeral.
If you would like to talk this through as part of planning a ceremony, I am always here to support you.